The Beginning

Let me begin by saying that I'm no writer. I have horrible grammar and I'm the king of run on sentences. I never graduated college and I never really had a solid career. In both cases, its mainly because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I'd never found that perfect fit. I always felt like I would one day come across the right path and it finally did, as a Dad.

I can honestly say from a fairly young age I knew I wanted to be a dad. I dreamed of the big house with a white picket fence and a couple kids. I never thought it would actually happen though. See, when I was 12 I started to realize I was a bit different than the other boys. While they all had posters of Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson on their walls I had a crush on Uncle Jesse from Full House.

Being gay certainly makes having kids more difficult. Finding another gay man who also wants to have kids borders on impossible, but I did. My Husband and I met in 2006 and we are celebrating our 10 year marriage anniversary this year. We've been through a lot together, and it took several years before we started to actually think about having kids. We ended up deciding to try adopting through the local Foster System. The process to get certified was long and intrusive. We went to classes, had interviews, home inspections and more classes. About a year later we were finally certified as an perspective adoptive family. We were excited when we finally got to submit our home-study for possible placements. We put in for kids ranging in age from newborn to 5, and from a single child up to 4 kid sibling groups. Each time we submitted we would never hear back. We were becoming increasingly discouraged and when we asked why we weren't being chosen the only real answer given was that we lacked parenting experience. Um, DUH, yes, we were first time parents. What first time parent has parenting experience anyway? 

After a year with no placements we were asked if we would consider fostering because there was a shortage of available foster homes. This is something we definitely did not want to do, but if this would give us the parenting experience we needed to finally adopt, then we figured we should give it a try.  At the time my Husband Matt had recently sold his Financial Advisory Practice and was taking a work break before starting career number two. I worked for a major financial institution in their Mortgage division. We decided that for the time being, he would stay home with any prospective kids and I would keep working. Within a few weeks we were asked if we would take in a sibling group of a 1 year old girl and 4 year old boy. We were also advised the mother was pregnant and due fairly soon.  We were excited and scared to have these two kids come live with us. We were not prepared in the slightest. We didn't have toys or clothes and had no idea what to do with them. We had done respite care a couple times during that past year but only for one or two days. This was for an indeterminate amount of time. We posted on Facebook that they were coming and our friends and family rallied behind us. We ended up getting a full SUV load of pretty much everything we needed from one friend. Miraculously we had a room set up and ready before the two kids arrived. 

We didn't know what to expect when the kids arrived. We knew nothing about them other than their names, ages and gender. When we opened the door and let them into our home everything changed for us as a couple because now it was real. Each kid had a bag of stuff with them. This was mainly clothes, a few toys, a favorite blanket and of all things...a gorilla costume. We have no clue why there was a gorilla costume especially since it wasn't the right size for either kid but there it was. 

The kids, which we referred to on any form of social media as "A" (the 4 year old boy) and "K" (the 1 year old girl) were incredible. Both of them had experienced some significant trauma and we had to learn to navigate that. "A" had a lot of anger issues and would act out. He would also randomly get sad and say he missed his mom. We tried to reassure him as best we could that she was trying to get better and that he would see her soon at a visit. "K" was quiet and happy most of the time.  About two months later things changed again. Enter their new baby brother also known as... "Baby Brother".

In little over 2 months we went from having no kids to having three kids, ages 0, 1 and 4. That is what I call a crash course in parenting. We had started getting in the groove having the two but the new one derailed everything we had accomplished so far.  Now we had midnight feedings to deal with. "K" started acting out because the bottles she had been using for her milk were suddenly given to the new baby. Both kids got less attention than before and they went on fewer outings.We had recently sold my husbands Porche Boxter and replaced it with a SUV but even it wasn't quite large enough for 3 kids, two of them in car seats and the 3rd in a booster. The back seat was cozy to say the least. We read all sorts of baby books and tried to adjust to the new baby. We had him sleeping through the night by 5 weeks old, thanks to reading BabyWise, by Robert Bucknam MD and Garry Ezzo, which was a saving grace for us. Over the next few months my Husband was getting the itch to return to work so he decided it was time to start his Real Estate business. I had been experiencing a little shake up at work anyway so we decided to swap. Matt would start back to work and I would stay home with the kids.  I quit my job and became a stay at-home dad, something I had wanted to do to begin with. 

Nine months after the children came to live with us they were abruptly removed. Mom was getting them back. This devastated us. They always say that foster care is temporary and that the goal is to return to parent. They tell you to treat them as part of the family, so long as they live with you. We did and we became super attached, even though we were warned against it.  I took their removal incredibly hard. I shut the door to their bedroom and walked away. It took months before I could open it again.  We also removed ourselves from the foster system including as adoptive placements. I was now unemployed and our dream of becoming dads was dead.